AITA for Giving My Fiancé’s 6-Year-Old the Flower Girl Role Instead of My Niece?
My niece is the family’s miracle baby and my sister-in-law wanted her to be our flower girl, but I already promised the role to my fiancé’s 6-year-old daughter. Now my brother and sister-in-law say I don’t love my niece — so who’s wrong?
I (27F) am engaged to a man (35M) who has two kids from a previous marriage: a 10-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter. When we told his kids we were getting married, his daughter asked to be our flower girl and I happily said yes. My older brother and his wife (both mid-30s) had a long, difficult journey to have their daughter, and now that their miracle niece is 1½ she’s the center of every family event. When my SIL asked if the niece could be the flower girl, I explained the role was already promised to my stepdaughter and offered to include the niece in photos and other ways — which led to an emotional blow-up.
I love my niece, but I already promised my fiancé’s daughter the flower girl role — I’m not going to break that promise for a toddler who won’t remember it.
We’ve been planning the wedding for a while and when my fiancé’s daughter asked to be flower girl a year ago I said yes — she’s 6 and it’s something she’s wanted. My brother and SIL’s daughter is 1½; the SIL asked if we could make the baby the flower girl instead or have my stepdaughter carry the baby. I said no because a 6-year-old carrying a toddler down the aisle would be uncomfortable and I’d already promised his daughter the role.
"By the time the wedding comes around she'll be 2 years old — she won't remember being the flower girl."
When I refused to change the plan my SIL became very upset, saying I should "honor" her child because of the difficult path they had to parenthood. She cried and accused me of not loving my niece and "letting her down." I explained that the niece will absolutely be included in photos and family moments, but I wasn’t going to break a promise to a child who asked for something and is old enough to remember it.
"I love my niece — but I promised my stepdaughter and I won't disappoint her."
The decision stands: my stepdaughter remains the flower girl. Now my brother and SIL are angry and telling family I don't love my niece. My mom tried to stay neutral and suggested I explain the situation to my stepdaughter, but I'm firm — I won't break my word and my fiancé supports my choice.
🏠 The Aftermath
Tensions rose quickly after I said no: my SIL cried and accused me of being uncaring, and my brother and SIL have been telling other family members I don't love my niece.
• The flower girl role remains with my fiancé’s 6-year-old daughter. • My niece will be included in photos and family moments, but will not be the official flower girl. • My mom is trying to mediate, while my brother and SIL are upset and spreading their side of the story.
My fiancé supports me and is glad I didn't let his daughter down; the fallout has mostly been emotional — hurt feelings, family gossip, and a strained relationship with my SIL for now.
I kept my promise to a child who asked and who will remember the day — that felt like the right thing to do.
I feel conflicted: I love my niece and want to honor my brother and SIL’s journey, but I also don't want to break a promise to a child who will cherish the role. There's sadness on both sides without any real malice — just clashing expectations.
💭 Emotional Reflection
This is a classic clash of meaningful stories: your SIL’s long road to having a child, and your stepdaughter’s heartfelt request. Both are valid reasons to cherish the child — but they create competing obligations when only one person can walk down the aisle as flower girl.
The OP chose consistency and a promise to a child old enough to remember the moment, rather than making a last-minute swap. That’s a reasonable decision when weighed against disappointing a child who asked and waited for this day.
Reasonable people can disagree: some will prioritize honoring the niece’s symbolic importance; others will prioritize the stepdaughter’s literal wish and memorable experience. The key misstep was not managing expectations sooner or finding a meaningful alternative that felt equal to the SIL.
Here’s how readers usually react to a situation like this.
You promised a 6-year-old who wanted the role — that’s meaningful and won’t be forgotten. You’re not heartless for keeping your word.
Totally fair to include the niece in other special ways, but calling out the public emotional pressure from the SIL — that’s not on you.
This could have been avoided with an earlier conversation and a clear compromise (special photo spot, honorary role, or a family moment during the reception).
Most responses split between defending the OP for keeping a promise to a child and urging that the niece be given something special so the SIL feels acknowledged — the recurring theme is communication and creative compromise.
🌱 Final Thoughts
When family stories are powerful, weddings can become emotional battlegrounds. Promises to children matter, but so does showing empathy to relatives who’ve endured hardship. If possible, find a tangible way to honor the niece publicly — that often defuses the hurt.
You don’t have to choose between the two loves — you can keep your promise and still create a memorable, meaningful inclusion for your niece that recognizes her special place in the family.
What do you think?
Would you have changed the flower girl plan to honor the niece’s story, or kept your promise to the child who asked? Share your thoughts below 👇
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