AITA for making my son apologize in person after he made a racist “joke” to our delivery driver?

When my 13-year-old made a racist comment about our Chinese food delivery driver, I made him apologize face-to-face and write essays about racism. My husband says I humiliated him—did I go too far?

Last week, I (39F) ordered Chinese food for my family. When the driver arrived, my 16-year-old daughter was upstairs putting the cat away so he wouldn’t jump on the food. That’s when my 13-year-old son shouted, “Make sure to hide the cat from the Chinese guy!”—loud enough for the delivery driver to clearly hear. The man’s face dropped, and I immediately apologized and paid for the food, mortified by what had just happened in my own home.

I wasn’t going to let my son shrug it off as a “joke.” I made him write an apology, two short essays, and deliver that apology in person the next day. My husband thinks I went too far—but I believe he needed to understand the harm behind his words.

That night, I sat my son down and told him racist jokes were not acceptable. He insisted it was just humor and refused to see the harm. So I gave him a task: write a sincere apology to the driver, a one-page paper on Chinese culture, and another on how racist jokes perpetuate harm. Then, the next day, I took him to the restaurant so he could apologize directly to the driver.

“The driver was clearly hurt. I wanted my son to face that reality, not hide behind a keyboard apology.”

To my surprise, the delivery driver was deeply gracious. He thanked my son for the apology and told us about his own experiences with racist remarks and attacks while on the job. My son listened quietly—it was the first time he truly looked remorseful. But later that night, my husband and I clashed over it. He said I’d humiliated our son and that the “punishment didn’t fit the crime.”

“It’s just a joke,” my husband said. “You embarrassed him for nothing.”

I told him the real embarrassment was for the man who had to stand at our door and hear that slur in his workplace. Our son will move past discomfort, but I needed him to understand empathy and accountability. Still, I wonder if I crossed a line by taking it that far.

🏠 The Aftermath

The driver appreciated the apology, and my son’s tone toward him—and toward the topic—changed noticeably afterward.

My husband still thinks I overreacted, but I haven’t changed my mind. I’d rather raise a boy who understands the impact of his words than one who hides behind excuses.

Our son now seems embarrassed but quieter, more thoughtful. Maybe it’s sinking in. Maybe that was the point.

Embarrassment fades. Empathy lasts.

I don’t regret teaching him that lesson, even if it made dinner that night awkward. Some values are worth defending out loud.

💭 Emotional Reflection

This wasn’t about punishment—it was about awareness. A 13-year-old might not grasp how a “joke” built on a stereotype cuts deeper than laughter. But seeing someone’s hurt face-to-face can change how he speaks forever.

Parenting sometimes means being the bad guy in the short term to raise a decent person in the long run. My husband saw embarrassment; I saw a teaching moment that words carry weight, and empathy is learned through action.

People will differ on method, but the intent was love—love for my son, for accountability, and for a world that needs fewer “jokes” and more understanding.

Here’s what people online might say:

NTA — You didn’t humiliate him, you parented him. That driver deserved respect, and your son needed the wake-up call.

NAH — You meant well, your husband’s protective instinct is natural, but this was a teachable moment handled thoughtfully.

YTA (lightly) — Making him read it aloud might’ve been too far; a private apology and conversation could’ve sufficed.

Reactions split between firm parenting and gentle correction, but most agreed it’s crucial to address racism early and directly. The lesson clearly mattered more than the embarrassment.