When Your Husband Wants “More Attention” but Won’t Meet You Halfway
After 20 years together, I’m exhausted trying to explain a simple truth: I can’t give him more when he refuses to give even the basics back.
My husband and I are both 39, together since we were 19. For the past five years, he’s been telling me I don’t give him enough attention—emotionally, physically, romantically, or even just time on the couch. But every attempt I make gets shot down or twisted. He wants more closeness, yet spends evenings gaming, controls conversations to the same three topics, and insists intimacy only happens on his terms. I’m trying, but I feel like I’m giving into a void.
I want connection—but not the kind where my role is to sit silently next to him while he games until 2 a.m.
He says he wants more time together—so I suggest movie nights like we used to love. But he’d rather play games online and wants me to “just sit on the couch and watch.” At dinner, he’ll only talk about work, firearms, or the food, and gets annoyed if I try to steer the conversation anywhere else. Then there’s intimacy. He wants more of it, but refuses to come to bed before midnight, even though I need sleep for work. When he does come earlier, I have to initiate everything.
“You could just sit on the couch and watch me play,” he said, like that was supposed to feel romantic.
I’m juggling the bulk of the housework, working full-time, keeping our home running, and still trying to make space for us. When I try to talk about compromise, he gets defensive—like I’m attacking him instead of asking for teamwork. He sees my lower libido as lack of interest, when really I’m overwhelmed and exhausted. I want connection, but not the kind where I'm doing all the reaching while he refuses to adjust even basic routines.
It’s not that I don’t want intimacy—it’s that he won’t meet me halfway to make it possible.
Every discussion becomes me being “the bad guy,” even though I’m asking for shared effort, not miracles. I’m not looking for excuses—I’m looking for partnership. After twenty years together, I just want him to understand my needs without framing them as rejection.
🏠 The Aftermath
Right now, we’re stuck in a pattern where he wants “more of everything,” but only if it happens on his timeline and requires no change on his end. Meanwhile, I’m stretched thin and feeling less seen each time I try to open up and get deflected.
He’s not malicious about it—he just doesn’t see that quality time can’t be one-sided, and intimacy can’t survive if the groundwork is never shared. But without mutual effort, he’s asking for emotional labor from someone already carrying too much.
I want to build something healthier, but I can’t do it alone. If one person is holding the relationship up, eventually it starts to shake.
It’s hard to give more attention to someone who only reaches for you when he wants something.
I still hope we can find a middle ground. But he has to take a step forward too—or we’ll stay stuck in this loop of blame and burnout.
💭 Emotional Reflection
Long-term relationships evolve—and so do the ways we connect. When one partner clings to the past while the other juggles adult responsibilities, it’s easy for needs to clash. His yearning for undivided attention and your need for reciprocation aren’t opposing forces—they’re signals that the dynamic needs recalibrating.
The hard truth is that wanting more connection requires contributing to connection. It’s not fair for him to ask for intimacy, presence, and affection while refusing to adjust the habits that directly block those things. Marriage isn’t a spectator sport—both people have to show up.
Real understanding might only come when he recognizes that attention isn’t something he can demand; it’s something you build together, brick by brick, with shared effort and shared respect.
Readers had strong takes on the imbalance in this marriage.
“He wants intimacy without putting in the emotional work that creates it. That’s not how adults connect.”
“You’re not withholding affection—he’s withholding partnership.”
“Movie night > watching him game. He’s asking for a mom, not a wife.”
Most readers agreed you’re not wrong to feel drained. Many encouraged counseling—alone or together—because the dynamic stems from deeper disconnects, not just surface arguments.
🌱 Final Thoughts
Love can survive mismatched needs—but only if both partners put in the work to understand each other. You’re not wrong for wanting shared effort instead of lopsided demands. Intimacy grows where mutual respect and compromise live.
A marriage thrives when both people reach toward each other—not just when one reaches while the other stays on the couch gaming.
What do you think?
How can a couple rebuild balance when one partner wants more, but gives less? Share your thoughts below 👇
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